"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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