my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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