I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
