I met the friendliest cop last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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