I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
