She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
