the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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