Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it hurts more in the daytime
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
