The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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