I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
