drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
not ubering you a puppy
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize