I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
i've created a new STD.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
