If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
