im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
