It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
