if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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