Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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