I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Dear god my vagina.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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