you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
