We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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