i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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