I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
