Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
