i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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