i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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