Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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