the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
