Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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