I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
