I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
