I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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