we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
