u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
