Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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