I wish I could teleport
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
