god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
