the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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