I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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