If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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