Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We left the knife in your bed.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize