A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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