If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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