my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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