he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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