70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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