my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
