woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
