I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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