Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
