Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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