yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
