Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I want a musical about memes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
