its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
