I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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