My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
