on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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