i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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