he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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