I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
