She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
